I was feeling burned out and confused. I had recently left a long-time career and did not know what I was going to do next. I was caregiving long-distance for my Dad who had dementia and worried about the next call that would have me travel there to deal with the crisis. I had no family to support me.
I looked for anything that could provide some relief, some healing, some clarity. Books, blogs, movies, articles. I researched on-line. I was intrigued to find something called “equine-facilitated learning” workshops that offered a chance to connect with a horse and have quiet space to explore more about who I was, what I wanted, needed, and even some healing. I love horses and nature. I grew up riding horses in Michigan, and thrilled in the freedom of that feeling. So, I signed up for one workshop, and then another, and another. I traveled to several locations out-of-state to experience different facilitators.
What I learned early on was so helpful. The workshop facilitator would lead participants through a process to allow more feeling from our body and to get us out of our head. I admit, this was so hard for me. But standing outside in nature, breathing, feeling my feet on the ground, my heart beating, I entered the space with my equine friend. We would beautifully connect, I could lean into the horse, whisper, walk and trot together. Just wonderful. And then the horse would suddenly just lose interest in me and walk away to nibble at some grass at the edge of the round pen.
“What is going on for you?” the facilitator would ask me. I couldn’t imagine. It took only a short time to figure out, but it become clear that I had returned to my habit of being in my head space. I worried about whether I was doing this exercise “right”, or I was thinking about the check-list of tasks I was going to accomplish when I left the workshop. All of the usual “monkey mind” stuff. I was no longer experiencing the present moment and had spaced-out. And, catching myself in this awareness I could choose to reconnect to all of me and experience how my horse reconnected too.
I discovered I could relax into myself in the presence of a horse, that I felt safe with no judgement around my failures or accomplishments. While this emotion was similar to being with my very loved cats, the distinction was that the horse would walk away when I was not authentic and honest with my feelings and clear about my intention and communication.
My essence was seen in the soulful eyes of the horse.